iWeep: Post 9/11 Stress Disorder and Other Narratives

By Aamir Ali Zainulabadeen

once upon a time
i was pagan christian buddhist muslim jewish hindu sikh
i was ahmadi shia sunni catholic
i was reformation
i was orthodoxy
i was liberalism
i was conservation
i was the crusade the plague the apocalypse
i was the strange the boringly normal the terrifying
i was the weapon of mass destruction
i was the sheild against the weapon
i was the weakness of poverty
i was the powerless
i was the dangerously powerful
once upon a time
i was, above all else, many narratives
i continue to be, above all else, a multitude of voices
once upon a time
two towers fell and 3,000 american people fell
once upon a time
war fell and at least 100,000 iraqi people fell
now, what is in a number? your mind can jump to 100,000 and back to 3,000,
after 1, 2, 7, 100 can you measure or bear the suffering?
when your mother dies or your lover dies or your brother or your sister dies, the entire world has dusted and become ashen
when your father or your friend or your fickle grandmother passes, even heaven seems to sob with your heart
once upon a time i was 5 and
i learned then about my skin color my religion
i learned that you can not be muslim and american
i learned that you can not be gay and muslim
i learned that if you are brown with an accent they will think you are muslim
i learned that not being white is a form of ugliness no make up or education can cure
(maybe ridiculous a ridiculous amount of wealth – how about being in the 1% – can cure it?)
i learned that faggots go to hell
i learned that jews are bad
i learned that disbelievers are bad
i learned that i was more pure
i learned that faggots are impure
i learned that being rich, you know what i’m going to say, i’ve already said it
one or the other
only confuses a child
once upon a time
i was an israeli child
i was an iraqi child
i was an american child
i was a haitian child
i was a sudanese child
i was a lebanese child
i was a tunisian child
i was a chinese child
i was a guatamalen child
i was a sunday monday wensday friday can’t even count the days of the week child
i was a freak child
i was a child child
once upon a time
i was a palestinian olive tree
i was the temple that bore witness to bloodshed
i was the prayer uttered under the angelic and terrible forces of time, the dust of the earthquake’s rise
i was the incantation that mothers sing to their children
i was the camel
i was the date palm
i was the salty dead sea
i was the prayer wall
i was the buddha
i was the hungry
once upon a time
i walked 7 miles for water for my dying husband and i could not find any
i buried him in the backyard with my father my sister my mother all killed in the drone strike and sometimes i sit and remember: when was the last time that we showered together?
once upon a time
i was that person that Compassion Crowns despite the tide of time and the tsunami of flame and dust that comes down
i climb i climb i climb,
to my death
to jihad against the burning towers

Aamir Zainulabadeen is a gay Muslim undergraduate student from Rochester, New York, USA.